If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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