He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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