Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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