Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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