I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
