Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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