god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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