Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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