i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
