i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
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