I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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