I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
