So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
