Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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