Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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