So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
