I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
