You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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