well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I could make wine with my vomit
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
