So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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