Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
