when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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