The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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