Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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