I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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