I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sober January is a disaster.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
