My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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