Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
