that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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