He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
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We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
we're so committed to being not committed
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