True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
