I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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