I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
