If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
