You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
