I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
