if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
