Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I am one with the molecules
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
