I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
