I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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