What did we do last night that was yellow?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
