His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
