Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
