Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(801): View more from Utah

If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life

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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(281): View more from Texas

It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(303): View more from Colorado

Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO

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(714): View more from California

What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?

(615): View more from Tennessee

He knew.

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