DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
