i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
