dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
