I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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