the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
