Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
