Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
