As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
