Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
