shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
