I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
