Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
