wakey wakey hands off snakey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize